Cashola.

To my millions (my mother counts as 2.7 million, then I add in the other seven) of fans I just wanted to let you know that I am still writing these on a weekly basis but not posting. I'm in a few discussions with other sites and print media about carrying these pieces, and therefore hoarding them in case one of those opportunities works out. Maybe the iPad will give me a new platform! If things don't pan out, I promise to post all of the articles here and charge no more than $900 per month for complete access.

Your loyal subject,

Matthew

Neglect

I know I'm neglecting my blog, but that's because I don't want it to take me for granted. I figure if I act a little hard to get, it will keep wanting to be with me.

Buy High!

Ladies and gents, I want to share a secret with you. A secret that could change your financial life forever.

Do you worry about how you’re going to pay your bills every month? Are you constantly juggling debt, avoiding harassing collections calls and fearful every time you see a tow truck anywhere near one of your cars? Do you break out in a cold sweat every time you swipe your debit card at the grocery store, wondering if this is the time you’re going to have to decide between food for your kids or Touch of Gray for your beard?

Well, if you said “No” to all these questions, have we got an exciting opportunity for you; How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate.

Developed by non-real estate mogul Matthew O’Connell, How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate will take you through the easy, exact steps GUARANTEED to break you free from the shackles of financial security. And— here’s the best part—you can accomplish all this in just 18 short months.

I know, I know. It sounds unachievable. You’re thinking, “Can I REALLY go from having very little debt, good credit, money in the bank and a nice big house with a pool to having lots of debt, credit worse than a monkey’s, no money in the bank and be stuck living in 1100 square feet in another state?” Well, pack your bags and pick up the phone, because the answer is YES.

Just listen to this success story:

“Before we tried this plan, we were really in a boring rut. Month after month after month it was the same old thing. We paid our bills, put some money into savings, ate three meals a day. But then my wife saw How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate on TV one night and made the call. Now, in just over a year, everything has changed. Our days and nights used to blend into a never-ending mass of boredom. But now we’re constantly on the move avoiding creditors, the repo man and even certified mail from the mortgage company. There’s no way we could have done that on our own. And it was so easy. Matthew really knows his stuff.”

Now, Matthew realizes the market has changed. But he wants to make it as easy as possible for YOU to succeed at How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate. That’s why, right now, he’s going to let the first caller buy HIS very own property in Fl for the SAME HIGH PRICE HE PAID BACK IN 2006. That’s right. You won’t have to wait 6, 12 or 18 months for the property value to plummet. In fact, he'll make this guarantee; By buying this home at the 2006 price, you will lose 30-40% of your investment INSTANTLY. AT CLOSING! But only if you’re the first caller.

So why should you purchase How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate instead of just trying to succeed on your own? Because it’s not just about buying high. You’ll also learn all of Matthew’s top secrets. Here are just a few:

• Why it’s important to put your life’s savings down on the home so that you can lose that money too. (A financial cushion is your enemy!)
• How to move out of the house and rent it for 50% of the mortgage payment to keep from losing the home, only to find out that you are no longer eligible for the government bailout money because the home is now considered an “investment property.”
• When the mortgage companies say they want to help, DON’T PANIC. They don’t want to help.

So how much will How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate cost you? Not $9.99 Not $19.99. Not even $19,999.99. No, right now, to help get you jump started, you can have all of Matthew’s secrets for just $199,999.99.

And, if you order How to buy high and sell low (or not even sell at all) in Florida Real Estate in the next ten minutes, you’ll also get his outsider’s list of zip codes where real estate in and out of FL is STILL being sold above market value and is expected to drop.

Order Now!

I’m Matthew O’Connell, and I’m just sayin’.

Vomit in a cup®

Ok, so my wife and I have been playing this really fun game recently. Maybe some of you other parents have played it too. It’s called, “Who can avoid opening and cleaning the sippy cups with rotten milk in them the longest?” Or, depending on how long the game is played, there’s another variation; “Who can avoid opening and cleaning the sippy cups with the yogurt in them the longest?” Or, the new extreme version, “Who can avoid opening and cleaning the sippy cups with the water and tofu looking crap in them the longest?”

The object of the game is simple. If you’re cleaning the house, or the car, or the bike trailer you haven’t used since last summer, and you happen to find one of these toxic sippy cups, you try and make it more obvious for your SPOUSE to find but still hidden enough that it looks like you did NOT find it.

Now, sometimes you happen to be cleaning a room together (because you’re both playing another game called, “Who can avoid cleaning that OTHER room the longest?”) and there’s just no way to hide the fact you’ve just discovered Vomit in a Cup®. You’ve been seen either; a) holding a clear-bottomed sippy cup above your head to look for telltale milk chunks or b) gently shaking the sippy cup to detect chunk movement or c) closely checking the drinking holes for that solid, rubbery-looking milk residue.

In this case, there is only one solution; you take the cup to the kitchen sink and leave it there. Begin phase two of the game.

Invariably, during phase two, many sippy cups will end up together either in or next to the kitchen sink because there’s simply no excusable way to clean the NON-chunky cups and leave the chunky one(s) sitting there. After, say, 5 days or so (depending on the number of children in the household and number of sippy cups owned) your kids will suddenly find themselves drinking milk out of coffee mugs, measuring spoons and fine china. Seething resentment between spouses has reached its delightful peak, and gameplay becomes cutthroat.

However, and this is critical, THERE IS NO MENTION OF THE GAMEPLAY. If either of you acknowledges the cup being there amongst the water and juice sippy cups, that makes you selfish, lazy and a jerk. You simply have to appear to be too busy at all other activities to open and clean ANY of the sippy cups. Even if it means staying at work a couple of extra hours when you don’t need to.

Eventually of course, one of you will lose. The dishwasher will be empty and there won’t be any other dirty dishes. Or your spouse will deviously take all three kids to three different birthday parties on the same day and you just “owe” them. Or you yell at one of the kids for something like peeing on the cat and now they’re crying (the kid, not the cat) and the only thing that will fix it is a sippy cup.

So you break down and open up all the cups, breathing only through your mouth, holding them as far away from your face as you can, rinsing them quickly and putting them in the dishwasher. Doing everything in your power not to get a whiff.

And then finally it’s done. You’ve lost. But it’s over. So you start the dishwasher, go lie down on the couch to relax, and there under the throw pillow is another Vomit in a Cup®. You cover it back up, switch your head to the other side, and turn on the TV.

Game on.

I'm Matthew O'Connell, and I'm just sayin'.

I'm not a happy little Vegemite.

Hello?? Am I the only one around here with his eye on the big picture? Because it sure seems like it.

Sure, I know. People here in the US are up in arms about the economy and bailouts. Heck, evidently we’re even teabagging each other over it. And I know we’re concerned, rightly, about Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and North Korea.

But people, c’mon. Don’t you really see what’s happening? It’s all a diversion. While we’re distracted with economics and wars and nuclear ambitions, the real threat to America is silently plotting against us. And it’s Australia.

Ok, so they’ve got cute little koala bears, and that opera house, and nice tans, and those accents, and those hats, you know, that are only folded on one side. And maybe their actors and actresses are like, really impressive at acting without the Australian accents, which always flips me out when I see them on Leno later and then they’re talking all Australian-ish. But don’t let that fool you. Because they ALL have an agenda. An evil, horrible agenda. An agenda called Vegemite. And if you thought teabagging left a bad taste in your mouth, well let me tell you—Vegemite is like getting teabagged after those teabags have been dipped in something horrible and nasty. Like Vegemite.

So what exactly is Vegemite, other than pure evil? I looked it up on Wikipedia, where all the world’s knowledge is securely locked away for future generations. This is what it says:

“Vegemite is a dark brown food paste made from yeast extract, used mainly as a spread on sandwiches, toast and cracker biscuits, as well as a filling of pastries like Cheesymite scroll, in Australia.”

See, AUSTRALIA. Bastards.

But wait, it gets more interesting.

“Vegemite is popular with many AUSTRALIANS, who commonly consider it a NATIONAL food and a cultural icon. It can be found in shops around the world, particularly where there are large populations of AUSTRALIAN expatriates. Vegemite … is owned by US food company Kraft Foods. When seen in the United States, the Vegemite label often does not contain the Kraft logo.”

Hmmmm. Owned by Kraft but they don’t put their logo on it in the United States? Maybe that’s because Kraft is chock full of AUSTRALIAN expatriates on a secret mission to infiltrate the entire culture here. Maybe if you were to hide in a bathroom stall at Kraft and listen carefully, all of the Joe Americans would suddenly sound like Joe Australians. (Just like all those actors and actresses do when they go on Leno!) The bathroom door would swing shut and suddenly it’d be all:

“Did ya see Tawny in that skirt today?”

“See ‘er? I just ‘bout cracked a fat right there in the meeting.”

“Wouldn’t have made a difference with your little donger.”

“Kiss my clacker.”

They’re here. It’s beginning. And this is something we’ve got to stop. Do you really want our little Bobbies and Susans to go to school in a world where Vegemite sandwiches replace peanut butter and jelly on the menu? Because without diligence that’s where we’re headed.

People, please. I was forced to taste Vegemite once when I was in elementary school by a friend’s Mom. An AUSTRALIAN friend’s Mom. Back when Australia tried to take over more overtly, pushing its dirty-diaper looking spread with a little jingle from J. Walter Thompson.

“We're happy little Vegemites

As bright as bright can be.

We all enjoy our Vegemite

For breakfast, lunch and tea.

Our Mummies say we're growing stronger

Every single week

Because we love our Vegemite.

We all adore our Vegemite.

IT PUTS A ROSE IN EVERY CHEEK!

We're growing stronger every week!”

And I’ve never fully recovered. Don’t let this happen to another generation.

I’m Matthew O’Connell, and I’m just sayin’.