Hello?? Am I the only one around here with his eye on the big picture? Because it sure seems like it.
Sure, I know. People here in the US are up in arms about the economy and bailouts. Heck, evidently we’re even teabagging each other over it. And I know we’re concerned, rightly, about Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan and North Korea.
But people, c’mon. Don’t you really see what’s happening? It’s all a diversion. While we’re distracted with economics and wars and nuclear ambitions, the real threat to America is silently plotting against us. And it’s Australia.
Ok, so they’ve got cute little koala bears, and that opera house, and nice tans, and those accents, and those hats, you know, that are only folded on one side. And maybe their actors and actresses are like, really impressive at acting without the Australian accents, which always flips me out when I see them on Leno later and then they’re talking all Australian-ish. But don’t let that fool you. Because they ALL have an agenda. An evil, horrible agenda. An agenda called Vegemite. And if you thought teabagging left a bad taste in your mouth, well let me tell you—Vegemite is like getting teabagged after those teabags have been dipped in something horrible and nasty. Like Vegemite.
So what exactly is Vegemite, other than pure evil? I looked it up on Wikipedia, where all the world’s knowledge is securely locked away for future generations. This is what it says:
“Vegemite is a dark brown food paste made from yeast extract, used mainly as a spread on sandwiches, toast and cracker biscuits, as well as a filling of pastries like Cheesymite scroll, in Australia.”
See, AUSTRALIA. Bastards.
But wait, it gets more interesting.
“Vegemite is popular with many AUSTRALIANS, who commonly consider it a NATIONAL food and a cultural icon. It can be found in shops around the world, particularly where there are large populations of AUSTRALIAN expatriates. Vegemite … is owned by US food company Kraft Foods. When seen in the United States, the Vegemite label often does not contain the Kraft logo.”
Hmmmm. Owned by Kraft but they don’t put their logo on it in the United States? Maybe that’s because Kraft is chock full of AUSTRALIAN expatriates on a secret mission to infiltrate the entire culture here. Maybe if you were to hide in a bathroom stall at Kraft and listen carefully, all of the Joe Americans would suddenly sound like Joe Australians. (Just like all those actors and actresses do when they go on Leno!) The bathroom door would swing shut and suddenly it’d be all:
“Did ya see Tawny in that skirt today?”
“See ‘er? I just ‘bout cracked a fat right there in the meeting.”
“Wouldn’t have made a difference with your little donger.”
“Kiss my clacker.”
They’re here. It’s beginning. And this is something we’ve got to stop. Do you really want our little Bobbies and Susans to go to school in a world where Vegemite sandwiches replace peanut butter and jelly on the menu? Because without diligence that’s where we’re headed.
People, please. I was forced to taste Vegemite once when I was in elementary school by a friend’s Mom. An AUSTRALIAN friend’s Mom. Back when Australia tried to take over more overtly, pushing its dirty-diaper looking spread with a little jingle from J. Walter Thompson.
“We're happy little Vegemites
As bright as bright can be.
We all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch and tea.
Our Mummies say we're growing stronger
Every single week
Because we love our Vegemite.
We all adore our Vegemite.
IT PUTS A ROSE IN EVERY CHEEK!
We're growing stronger every week!”
And I’ve never fully recovered. Don’t let this happen to another generation.
I’m Matthew O’Connell, and I’m just sayin’.
The creatives at JWT originally wrote that jingle using the word "sodomite". It was only later that someone told them they were trying to hawk a product, and not just be patently offensive for the hell of it.
ReplyDelete_AK